Beyonce (amongst a few other things..)
Tweet me up @putasinghonit
It’s nice when you get out of that dark place isn’t it? Like, all of a sudden you find yourself over talking, not worrying about the small things and you actually think back at how pathetically over emotional you were being just yesterday. Today I’m feeling happy, and I just wanted to share that. It’s not always bad and for now, I feel at peace and there seems to be light and air around my sometimes cloudy head.
I hope this lasts for a while. I’m currently using my old Tumblr page to post my thoughts. I’m often clogging up my brain with things I want to say but sadly no one I want to bother or bore to share them with. I’m not sharing this page out to anyone, it’s just here. Simply somewhere for me to just let out my thoughts, emotions and musings. If you are reading and are worried for me, please know I am ok, and I do have people in my life I know love me and I do have people to go to if things get really dark and rough. Always happy to have a new friend though - so say hey if you ever want to :)
Today is a 8.5 on the happy scale for sure. Today is a good one. x
I’ve really got to learn to be headstrong. One hurtful line of criticism tips me over the edge these days and I really hate being so weak. Its worse when it comes from someone you wouldn’t think could or ever would be so cruel. It sort of puts you in a shock and then you feel your whole world cave in because the few people who you manage to trust and let in to your life are just as bad as the people who you lock out. I need to learn to be headstrong. If I can find the ME that was he in 2008, that would be perfect. I was popular, outgoing, confident and I literally felt the world was mine for the taking. Now, not so much. I need to learn to be headstrong. I have to find the old me. This is just an existence. I wanted to make a change in the world. I wanted to be famous and have the world literally at my feet. What happened? Let me find the old me. Let me learn to be headstrong.
I wrote the following after a day of seeing people talk a lot about Mental Health and depression after the wonderful actor Robin Williams passed. Many whom shared their own touching experiences, and many whom used it as a opportunity to brag about how amazing they are or how it is something you can “get over”. It’s not that easy, and below is how I feel at least 3 days a week. It’s not as easy as “getting over it” or “it will get better” - I’m sure it will, and I’m here for your positivity, but it hasn’t got better in the last 6years, so why will it now?
Having this constant need to cry and be over emotional. The headache never leaves, you just sort of learn to ignore it until you can’t ignore it anymore and you find yourself in a bathroom, bedroom or behind a wall crying your eyes out to release all the emotion quick enough so nobody will notice. Then you’re ok for a while. You sort of let it out and you’re stable again. Until it happens again. It could be five minutes, five hours or five days. Like the calm before a storm. Will the storm be a light bit of rain with a rainbow soon or will it be a tsunami of sadness, not knowing where or why it came and there is nothing you can do to control the shaking, the worrying or fear and you can’t think of anyone to call despite having a phone book of numbers bursting at the seams. Why would you want to burden them? They don’t care. Sure, they say they’ll be there but they’re only going to gossip about you once they leave. It’s a mess. You can’t trust anyone. You don’t want to burden anyone. They’re all busy. Not as if I have cancer or I’m dying. I’m weak and I need to man up. That’s what they’ll say.